Navigating Polyamory and Ethical Non-Monogamy: Tips and Support from Zoltan Rajki.
Polyamory and ethical non-monogamy can offer enriching and fulfilling relationships, but they also come with their own set of challenges. Polyamory involves having multiple romantic relationships with the consent of all partners, emphasising emotional connections. Ethical non-monogamy is a broader term that includes any consensual non-exclusive relationship, which may or may not involve emotional bonds.
This article will cover connections WITH emotions; if you’re looking for advice specifically about sexual connections WITHOUT the emotions, read my article about trying out swinging.
At Zoltan Rajki Couples Counselling, we understand the unique dynamics of these relationship structures and are here to help you navigate them successfully. Here are some essential tips to consider:
Managing the Communication Complexity of Multiple Connections
Take the time to establish regular check-ins and and an open dialogue to ensure everyone feels heard and valued.
For example, if Partner A feels neglected because Partner B is spending more time with Partner C, it’s essential for all connected partners to discuss their feelings and find a balanced solution.
Supporting Varying Needs
Recognise that each person has unique emotional and physical needs. Support autonomy by allowing space for individual growth and personal time, but also work out shared agreements that respect everyone’s needs and desires.
For example, if Partner A may require more emotional support, while Partner B might prioritise physical intimacy, and Partner C may need regular time for individual hobbies. Recognising and addressing these diverse needs ensures that all partners feel fulfilled and valued.
Group vs. One-on-One Chats
If you’re set up in a collective (or kitchen-table) style of agreement, group discussions are great for resolving collective issues and setting mutual goals, while one-on-one chats can address personal concerns and strengthen individual bonds.
For example, when discussing holiday plans, a group discussion ensures everyone’s preferences are considered. However, resolving a personal issue like feeling undervalued might be better addressed in a one-on-one chat.
Managing Primary and Secondary Relationships
Clear agreements and expectations can help manage time, emotional investment, and ensure no one feels neglected or undervalued. If you’re working in a hierarchical dynamic, it’s particularly important to take the time to define these and regularly check-in on them. Your secondary partner/s can be made aware of these agreements, and you can also work with them on what equity and fairness looks like within that arrangement.
For example, if Partner A is the primary partner and Partner B is secondary, defining what these roles entail—such as spending weekends together versus occasional dates—can help manage expectations and reduce conflicts.
Navigating Date Nights Without a Diary Overload
Consistent planning can go a long way in maintaining harmony and ensuring that each relationship gets the attention it deserves. Otherwise, as the quote by Hannah Gadsby goes: "I’m polyamorous. I’m not organised. I’ve got three partners, and I can’t even remember their names. So every time I see one of them, I just say, ‘Hey, you!’ and hope for the best."
For example, trying to schedule date nights with multiple partners can feel like planning a G20 summit. Using a shared calendar app can help keep everyone on the same page and avoid double bookings—or worse, forgetting an important date. Just make sure you have your notification settings right….
How Counselling Can Help
Facilitate Communication: Improve your communication skills and learn effective ways to express your feelings and needs. Using Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), you can address communication issues by helping each partner identify and express their underlying emotional needs.
Conflict Resolution: Develop strategies to handle conflicts and misunderstandings constructively. Say, if Partner A and Partner B have different ideas about the level of commitment to new partners, counselling can help them articulate their expectations and negotiate a mutually satisfying agreement.
Emotional Support: Gain a deeper understanding of your emotions and those of your partners. Explore feelings of jealousy and develop strategies to transform them into opportunities for personal growth.
Relationship Balance: Help in creating and maintaining balance between your various relationships, ensuring everyone’s needs are met. Create schedules that respect everyone’s time and establish boundaries to prevent burnout.
Reach out to Zoltan to schedule a session and start your journey towards a more harmonious and fulfilling polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous relationship.