Home Care for the Elderly: Managing the Impacts to your Relationship
Deciding to care for an elderly parent at home is a personal choice that can bring couples closer but also adds complexity to the relationship. Balancing the needs of an ageing parent with those of your partnership requires emotional awareness, thoughtfulness, and clear communication.
If you’re considering this shift, it’s crucial to recognise both the practical demands and the emotional impact on your relationship. While you may already be skilled in aligning expectations and setting boundaries, here are more complex considerations from Fitzroy North Couples Counsellor Zoltan Rajki, aimed at helping you maintain a strong connection with your partner throughout the journey.
1. Maintaining Personal Identity as a Couple
Amidst caregiving responsibilities, it's crucial for couples to nurture their individual and shared identities. With the focus often shifting entirely to the needs of the elderly parent, couples can lose sight of the shared activities and interests that once brought them closer.
To avoid this, create space for rituals that you both value—whether it’s a weekly walk, a shared meal, or a hobby you enjoy together. By maintaining a sense of ‘us,’ you can better navigate the challenges of caregiving as a unified team, without losing the essence of your relationship.
2. Sharing Emotional Load
The emotional toll of caregiving can be as challenging as the physical demands. Watching a parent’s health decline often brings up complex emotions—grief, guilt, and frustration. It’s important to acknowledge that both you and your partner will experience these emotions, though perhaps in different ways.
When one partner is feeling overwhelmed, the other may need to step in to provide emotional support. But be mindful that emotional caregiving within the relationship should be reciprocal. Check in with each other regularly, offering a listening ear and validating each other’s experiences without trying to fix or minimise the feelings that come up.
3. Managing Shifts in Family Roles
Bringing a parent into your home often shifts the dynamics not only between you and your partner but also within the extended family. As you take on the role of caregiver, siblings may become more distant or overly involved, and children may need to adjust to having a grandparent in the home.
Discuss with your partner how you’ll navigate these new roles and potential challenges. This might involve setting boundaries with extended family or explaining the situation to children in a way that acknowledges the change without overwhelming them. Clear communication and teamwork help ensure that you and your partner present a united front during these shifts.
4. Handling Decision Fatigue Together
Caring for an elderly parent comes with a lot of decision-making, from medical care to household logistics. This can lead to decision fatigue, where the constant need to make choices wears down your mental and emotional energy.
Rather than letting these decisions erode your connection, make a point of sharing the decision-making load. Identify areas where you and your partner feel most capable, and divide tasks accordingly. Knowing that you’re working as a team—both practically and emotionally—can reduce the stress and strain of caregiving.
5. Financial Strain and Role Imbalances
One often overlooked area in caring for a parent at home is the financial strain it may place on the household. Costs such as medical care, potential home modifications, and reduced working hours can create stress. It’s crucial to have an open discussion about the financial implications and how they may affect both partners.
If one partner takes on the bulk of caregiving responsibilities while the other continues to work or earn, there may be role imbalances. These imbalances can lead to feelings of frustration or resentment if not addressed. To prevent this, ensure there’s a sense of shared effort in managing both caregiving and finances.
6. Seeking Outside Support
It’s important to remember that you don’t need to manage caregiving alone. Working with a couples counsellor like Zoltan Rajki can help you and your partner navigate the emotional complexities of caregiving while maintaining the strength of your relationship. Regular sessions can provide a space to process feelings, find solutions to challenges, and ensure that you’re staying connected throughout this time.
Also consider for your mix of support, the formal services available:
Carers Victoria can provide respite services and resources to help family carers navigate the emotional and practical challenges of looking after an elderly parent.
My Aged Care, helps families access home care packages, including in-home respite care and professional assistance for elderly family members.
Featured image by Christian Bowen on Unsplash