Understanding Your Attachment Styles: Tips to Strengthen Your Relationship

Attachment theory offers insight into how our early relationships shape our adult connections.

This understanding of attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, or a mix— are applied in foundational Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to help couples improve communication, foster deeper intimacy, and strengthen their relationship. However, recent developments in the EFT modality of therapy have introduced additional insights that take these ideas even further.

Here are some advanced strategies from Fitzroy North Couples Counsellor Zoltan Rajki to immediately improve your relationship by using your understanding of attachment styles, with a blend of newer perspectives and timeless attachment theory principles.

1. First, Identify Your Attachment Style

Your style influences how you interact with your partner, especially in moments of emotional intensity. Here are some common behaviours and phrases to consider, in identifying your attachment style:

• Secure Attachment: You feel comfortable relying on your partner and vice versa. When issues arise, you’re able to communicate openly and work through challenges together. You might say things like, “I trust that we’ll figure this out together,” or, “I feel safe when we talk through things.”

• Anxious Attachment: You may feel worried about your partner’s commitment or fear being abandoned. In conflict, you might seek constant reassurance or feel highly reactive. Common phrases include, “Do you still love me?” or “Why aren’t you answering my texts? Are you mad at me?” This style tends to lean towards emotional intensity.

• Avoidant Attachment: If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may struggle to express your emotions or avoid relying on your partner too much. You tend to pull back when things get tough, saying things like, “I need space,” or “I can handle this on my own.” You may retreat emotionally when you feel overwhelmed or pressured.

• Disorganised Attachment: This style involves a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviours, often feeling conflicted between a desire for closeness, and a fear of getting hurt which leads you to take space. You might use phrases like, “You’ll hurt me like everyone else,” “Every time I try to get close, I feel like I’m losing control,” or, “I don’t know how to handle this.” You may also have conflicting and unpredictable behaviours, like moving from overly communicative to withdrawing or ignoring your partner, or testing your partner by pushing them away to see if they’ll stay.

2. Recognise the Emotional Triggers

Attachment styles often manifest in emotionally charged moments. An anxious partner might fear abandonment, while an avoidant partner may withdraw when feeling overwhelmed. Newer EFT perspectives emphasise the importance of identifying these emotional triggers as early warning signs. By recognising when you or your partner are slipping into these attachment-driven behaviours, you can pause and recalibrate before escalating conflict.

Tip: When emotions run high, take a moment to ask yourself: "What attachment trigger is being activated here?" Are you fearing rejection, or is your partner retreating because they feel overwhelmed? Recognising the underlying attachment fear can help you respond with compassion rather than defensiveness.

3. Shift from Reacting to Responding

EFT therapists have increasingly focused on how couples can shift from reactive communication to more responsive engagement. Reactivity tends to be driven by attachment wounds, leading partners to protect themselves through defensive behaviours like stonewalling, criticism, or withdrawal. Newer approaches suggest that couples can consciously choose to respond rather than react by acknowledging their own vulnerability in the moment.

Tip: In moments of conflict, practice slowing down your reactions. Take a deep breath, acknowledge how you feel, and communicate your feelings from a place of vulnerability. This helps to open up conversations rather than shutting them down. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” you could try, “I feel unheard when we argue, and that makes me feel disconnected from you.”

4. Lean Into Emotional Discomfort

Recent work in EFT underscores the importance of leaning into discomfort rather than avoiding it. Avoidant attachment styles tend to pull away from conflict or emotional intensity, but addressing these moments head-on creates the opportunity for deeper connection. By learning to tolerate emotional discomfort, both partners can experience breakthroughs in intimacy and trust.

Tip: If you’re someone who withdraws when things get emotionally intense, challenge yourself to stay present. This might feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s in these moments that true intimacy can grow. Communicating to your partner that you're trying to stay engaged, despite feeling uncomfortable, can foster mutual understanding and trust.

5. Build Emotional Safety Together

A recent trend in EFT practice is the focus on creating "emotional safety zones" within the relationship. Secure attachment thrives on feelings of safety, where both partners trust they can express vulnerability without fear of rejection or judgement. This newer perspective highlights the importance of proactively cultivating these safe spaces, especially when tensions rise.

Tip: Establish moments of emotional safety by setting aside time for open, non-judgemental conversations. Reassure each other regularly that your relationship is a safe space for expressing all emotions—positive or negative. This can be as simple as saying, “I’m here for you” or “I love you, even when things feel difficult.”

6. Create Repair Rituals After Conflict

Sue Johnson’s attachment theory highlights the importance of repairing "attachment injuries" when they occur in relationships. Recently, EFT has evolved to stress the importance of creating specific repair rituals after conflict. These might involve physically reconnecting through touch or verbally affirming each other’s commitment to work through the issue. Acknowledging the rupture and prioritising repair helps build long-term relationship resilience.

Tip: After an argument, take the time to come back together with a specific ritual for repair. This could involve simply holding hands while talking or reflecting together on what you’ve learned about each other through the conflict. The goal is to restore emotional balance and reaffirm your bond.

7. Seeking Therapy with an Emotionally Focused Therapist

Understanding your attachment style is an important starting point, but effectively applying that knowledge often requires more than self-awareness. Working with an EFT-qualified therapist like Zoltan Rajki can help you and your partner move beyond the theoretical by offering personalised interventions tailored to your relationship dynamics.

For example, an EFT therapist can help you move from patterns of reactivity—where you may feel defensive or misunderstood—to attuned responsiveness, which creates emotional safety for deeper connection. This might involve developing "softening" strategies during conflicts to cultivate a secure attachment that can weather emotional ups and downs.

By seeking expert guidance from a therapist like Zoltan, you’ll gain access to these advanced, research-backed techniques, tailored specifically to your relationship. Therapy provides a safe space to explore your emotional triggers, understand each other’s attachment needs, and co-create a deeply fulfilling, resilient relationship.

Featured image by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash