Navigating Neurodiversity in Relationships: Practical Advice for Couples
Neurodiverse relationships, specifically those involving ADHD and autism, come with unique challenges and incredible opportunities for growth. Understanding each other's differences and leveraging these to strengthen your bond can transform your relationship. As a couples counsellor in Fitzroy North, here are some of my practical tips and examples to help you navigate these complexities as you get to know each other.
Effective Communication Strategies
ADHD and autism can influence how a person processes and responds to information.
People with ADHD often experience difficulties with executive functioning, which includes tasks such as planning, prioritising, and following through with conversations. This can lead to interruptions or forgetfulness during discussions.
Autistic individuals might have differences in theory of mind, the ability to understand that others have thoughts and feelings separate from their own. This can make interpreting implied messages or understanding social nuances challenging.
Practice using direct and explicit language to convey your thoughts and feelings. For instance, instead of saying, "I feel neglected when you’re on your phone," try, "When you look at your phone while I'm talking, it makes me feel like you're not interested in what I'm saying." This phrasing clearly specifies the behaviour (using the phone during conversations) and the resulting feeling (unheard). It eliminates any potential confusion about what "neglected" might imply and directly connects the action to the emotional impact.
Active listening is another essential skill. This involves fully concentrating, understanding, responding, and then remembering what is being said. You can then paraphrase your partner’s words to confirm understanding (and to help you keep concentrating, if you yourself are neurodiverse): “So, what I hear you saying is that you feel overwhelmed when we have too many social commitments in a week, right?”
Managing Sensory Differences
Those with ADHD may experience sensory seeking behaviours, such as a need for constant movement or touch, due to under-stimulated sensory systems. Conversely, they might also exhibit sensory aversions, becoming easily overwhelmed by certain stimuli like loud noises or bright lights. Individuals with autism often (but not always) have atypical sensory processing, where they might be hypersensitive (over-responsive) or hyposensitive (under-responsive) to sensory inputs. This can impact their daily lives significantly, as certain environments can become either overwhelming or under-stimulating.
Talk through each other’s sensory needs and triggers, so you can make a plan to create a comfortable living space. This might involve adjusting lighting (especially turning off the big light!) or reducing noise levels. For noise sensitivity, noise-cancelling headphones or white noise machines can be beneficial. Planning ahead for when sensory overload happens, consider having a designated quiet room in your home where either partner can retreat if they feel overwhelmed. This space should be free of bright lights, loud noises, and other potential stressors.
Building Emotional Intimacy and Empathy
Emotional regulation and expression can be different for neurodiverse individuals. ADHD can sometimes lead to emotional dysregulation, where individuals might experience emotions more intensely and have difficulty returning to a baseline state. This can result in impulsive reactions and heightened sensitivity to perceived criticism. For autistic individuals, alexithymia—a difficulty in identifying and describing emotions—can be common. They might also have different ways of expressing empathy, which may not always align with neurotypical expectations but are equally valid and meaningful.
Take time to learn and understand what emotional support looks like for each of you. Neurodivergent individuals may have different ways of expressing and receiving love, such as:
Routine and Predictability: Some people love creating consistent and predictable routines that accommodate both partners' needs.
Acts of Service: Some people love help with these tasks, showing understanding and support for their challenges. It might also be just acknowledging and appreciating their efforts in managing these tasks.
Personal Space: Some neurodivergent individuals, especially those with sensory sensitivities, may feel loved when their partner respects their need for downtime or sensory breaks without taking it personally. Be aware them giving you space is sometimes a loving act.
Special Interests: If your love has deep interests in specific topics, they may express love by sharing their interests or spending time engaging in their partner’s interests. They will feel very loved in return, if you show interest in and learn about these special topics.
Physical Touch Variability: Find the types of physical affection that are comfortable for both of you, such as gentle pressure hugs or light touches. Some people might feel loved when you are attentive to their changing sensory preferences and find out what they need when they are feeling overwhelmed with sensory input.
Creative Expression: If your love expresses love through creative outlets, they’ll feel super loved if you engage with and value their creative work.
Regularly check in with each other to ensure both of your emotional needs are being met.
Effective Conflict Resolution
Neurodiverse individuals might experience conflicts differently due to variations in emotional regulation and communication styles. ADHD can sometimes lead to impulsive speech, where individuals say things without thinking them through, potentially escalating conflicts. Autistic individuals might struggle with understanding the emotional context of conflicts, focusing instead on logical resolutions.
Approach conflicts with a mindset of resolution rather than blame. Use "I" statements to express your feelings without accusing your partner. Instead of saying, "You never listen to me," try, "I feel unheard when I don’t get a response to my questions."
If your partner with ADHD is struggling with focus and feels frustrated, instead of getting annoyed, try to understand their perspective and offer support. You might say, "I see that you’re having a hard time concentrating today. How can I help?" You might need to move somewhere without distractions or provide more encouragement through the conversation.
Taking a break during heated or overwhelming moments can help both partners cool down and think more clearly. Agree beforehand on a signal or phrase that indicates a need for a break. During the time-out, both partners should take some time to regulate and then revisit the discussion with a calmer mindset.
Adapting to Social Interaction Dynamics
ADHD may lead to impulsive comments or difficulty reading social cues due to issues with attentional control and executive functioning. Autism can impact social cognition, including difficulties with understanding and predicting social behaviours, maintaining appropriate social boundaries, and recognising non-verbal cues.
Understand that your social needs might differ and find a balance that works for both of you. If one partner enjoys social gatherings while the other finds them exhausting, compromise by agreeing on a limited time for social events and ensuring there’s time to recharge afterwards. Be clear about each other’s social boundaries and respect them, such as:
Clear Invitations: If one partner prefers limited social interactions, explicitly ask, “Would you like to join me at this event, or would you prefer to stay home?”
Set Limits: Agree on a time limit for social events. For example, “Let’s stay at the party for two hours, and then we can leave.”
Safe Words: Establish a discreet signal or phrase to indicate when one partner feels overwhelmed and needs to leave a social situation, such as “Let’s take a break.”
Solo Time: Respect the need for alone time after social interactions. For example, “I know you need some quiet time after we get home. I’ll give you space to recharge.”
Role Playing: Practice social scenarios at home to understand each other’s comfort levels and boundaries. For instance, “Let’s role-play a conversation so you can see what feels comfortable for me.”
Non-Verbal Cues: Learn and respond to each other’s non-verbal signals indicating discomfort, such as fidgeting or avoiding eye contact, and take appropriate action, like suggesting a break.
Seeking Professional Help
Engage in couples therapy sessions with a professional knowledgeable in this area (such as myself) can provide insights into the neurological underpinnings of behaviours. This helps us work out a plan that you can use to manage them effectively within a relationship. I am here to help you navigate your relationship challenges - and embrace each other's differences - to create a harmonious and fulfilling relationship.
You can also utilise self-led coaching resources such as books, online courses, and workshops that offer valuable insights and practical tools for neurodiverse couples such as Jodi Carlton’s communication courses.