Navigating Parenthood and Partnership: Insights from a Couples Counsellor

Being a parent to young children can be an exhilarating and challenging experience. For couples with children aged newborn to five years, maintaining a healthy relationship amidst sleepless nights and daily demands often becomes a major concern. Common issues such as how to balance parenting and marriage, dealing with sleep deprivation in new parents and maintaining intimacy after having kids frequently come up in counselling sessions. Read Fitzroy North Couples Counsellor Zoltan Rajki’s insights into navigating these challenges to help you strengthen your partnership during this pivotal time.

Sleep Deprivation and Its Impact on Relationships

The constant night wakings and irregular sleep patterns of a newborn can lead to both partners feeling exhausted and irritable, resulting in increased tension and conflict. To navigate this, it's crucial to practice and compassion towards each other during this time to help maintain harmony in the relationship. Some ideas to do this:

·         Acknowledge your feelings: Recognise that it's normal to feel frustrated and tired. Take turns to make a “no defensiveness space” to allow yourselves to express these feelings without judgment.

·         Use “I” statements: When discussing issues, use "I" statements to communicate how you feel without blaming your partner. For example, "I feel overwhelmed when I don't get enough sleep and it feels like I need more help from you."

·         Set realistic expectations: Understand that this phase is temporary and that it's okay not to have everything perfect. Focus on the steps to get through each day with whatever it brings, rather than striving for perfection.

·         Offer kindness and gratitude: Small acts of kindness, like making a cup of tea for your partner or expressing gratitude for their efforts, can go a long way in maintaining a positive atmosphere. Your partner will tell you which acts of kindness mean the most to them, so you can find the best things to do in your limited time.

Balancing Parental Roles and Responsibilities

A common issue is the struggle to balance parental roles and responsibilities. Many couples find themselves grappling with the division of labour, which can lead to feelings of resentment if one partner feels they are taking on more than their fair share.

Take Emily and Tom (not their real names), who sought counselling because they were feeling overwhelmed. Emily felt she was doing most of the childcare and housework, while Tom felt pressured to work longer hours to support the family financially.

Open communication is key in addressing this imbalance. Regularly discussing each partner's expectations and responsibilities can help ensure that both feel valued and supported. Creating a shared schedule or list of tasks together can also provide clarity and fairness in managing daily duties.

Sometimes you will have to outsource, adjust your shared goals or let the less important standards drop temporarily. It might be adjusting the pressure on a financial goal, asking for more help temporarily from family members, or getting a short term cleaner.

Maintaining Intimacy and Connection

Maintaining intimacy and connection amidst the chaos of parenting is another major concern. Many couples worry that their romantic relationship will suffer as they focus on their children.

For instance, Priya and Arjun, parents of a two-year-old and a newborn, noticed a significant decline in their physical and emotional intimacy. They felt more like co-parents than romantic partners.

It's important to prioritise time for each other, even if it's just a few minutes of meaningful conversation each day. Scheduling regular date nights, even if they are at home after the kids are asleep, can help keep the spark alive. Each day consider putting into the intimacy bucket even if you don’t have energy for something involved: flirting, some physical touch, affectionate gestures, and expressing appreciation for each other all keep the bond strong in smaller ways during this time.

Read more of my tips to restart the spark here.

Coping with External Pressures and Expectations

External pressures and expectations can add to the stress of new parenthood. Social media, mother’s groups, family, and friends often portray an idealised version of parenting that can make couples feel inadequate or judged.

This was the case for Eleni and Nikos, who felt overwhelmed by the constant comparison with other parents in their social circle who didn’t seem to “get it” why they found it hard to cope with a particular challenge.

Acknowledging that every family's journey is unique and avoiding comparisons can alleviate some of this pressure. Try completing the below exercise when you have a free moment.

Family Values and Priorities Exercise

Answer the questions:

·         What values are most important to you?

·         How do you define family success?

·         What kind of home environment do you want?

·         How should we handle conflicts?

·         What traditions are important?

·         How do we show love and appreciation?

·         What are our long-term family goals?

Create a Statement: Note the common values, then combine answers into a Family Values Statement. Display that in a visible place so you can revisit regularly when you’re feeling tempted to make comparisons.

Example: In our family, we believe in the uniqueness and worth of every individual. We understand that each person has their own journey, strengths, and challenges. Therefore, we choose to celebrate our personal progress and accomplishments rather than comparing ourselves to others.

Seeking Professional Support

When the challenges feel insurmountable, seeking professional support can be immensely beneficial. Couples counselling provides a safe space to explore and address issues, improve communication, and develop strategies for a stronger relationship.

Many couples, like those mentioned above, have found that with guidance and support, they can navigate the complexities of parenting while nurturing their partnership. By acknowledging common struggles and taking proactive steps to address them, you can build a resilient and loving relationship that not only benefits you as partners but also creates a nurturing environment for your children.

If you find yourselves needing extra support, I am here to help you navigate this journey together. 

Featured photo by Andrea Bertozzini on Unsplash