Building Stronger Communication Skills in Your Relationship

Effective communication is essential to a thriving relationship, but it’s not always easy to master, especially when juggling busy careers and personal commitments. Drawing on the principles of Emotionally Focused Therapies (EFT), the powerful approach used by Fitzroy North couples counsellor Zoltan Rajki, this article offers practical relationship advice to help improve communication with your partner.

Use these tips to foster a deeper emotional connection, enhance understanding, strengthen the bond in your marriage or long-term partnership, build more meaningful conversations and reduce conflict.

1. Understand the Emotions Beneath the Words

When conversations feel like they’re going in circles, it’s often because the true emotions behind the words are not being acknowledged. People frequently express frustration, anger, or defensiveness when they’re really feeling hurt, scared, or misunderstood. By tuning into the underlying emotions, rather than just the content of what’s being said, you can foster a deeper understanding. Responding to the emotion — not just the words — helps to defuse tension and encourages openness.

• Tip: Next time you’re in a difficult conversation, pause and consider: “What is my partner really feeling right now?” Gently ask questions like, “Are you feeling hurt or worried right now?” or “What’s really going on for you?” This act of tuning in strengthens the emotional bond between you, fostering trust and intimacy.

2. Create a Safe Space for Vulnerability

Healthy communication thrives in a safe emotional space. When both partners feel secure enough to share their true thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or criticism, the connection between them grows stronger. This involves not only speaking from a place of honesty but also listening with patience and empathy.

• Tip: When your partner opens up, practice active listening by maintaining eye contact, giving them your full attention, and reflecting back what you hear. Try summarising what you’ve heard them say before responding, using phrases like, “I hear you saying that…” or “It sounds like you’re feeling…” This demonstrates emotional attunement which creates reassurance and a sense of mutual respect.

3. Learn to Recognise and Soften Your Triggers

We all have emotional triggers — past experiences or sensitivities that influence how we react during disagreements. These reactions can create unnecessary conflict. By becoming aware of your own triggers, you can learn to manage your emotional responses better. Acknowledging when you're feeling defensive or hurt allows you to step back and respond with calm rather than reacting impulsively.

• Tip: Next time you feel triggered, take a breath and ask yourself, “What’s this really about?” Consider the emotions that are surfacing. Are you feeling unheard? Unappreciated? Is there a deeper fear driving your reaction? Once you identify the emotion behind the trigger, communicate it gently to your partner. For example, you might say, “I realise I’m feeling defensive because I’m afraid of being misunderstood right now.” Recognising the source of your emotions can completely shift the dynamics of the conversation.

4. Be Clear and Direct with Your Needs

Many relationship issues arise because partners assume the other person should just "know" what they need or want. Clear communication involves directly stating your needs in a way that is honest and respectful, rather than expecting your partner to guess. Being explicit about your feelings and desires helps avoid misunderstandings and allows your partner to support you more effectively.

• Tip: Blaming or accusing language often triggers defensiveness and escalates conflict. The next time you’re upset, take a moment to reframe your thoughts into an “I” statement before speaking. For example, “I feel overwhelmed when…” instead of “You never help with…” This creates a safe emotional environment where both partners feel understood and valued.

5. Practice Emotional Responsiveness

Emotionally responsive partners tune into each other’s emotional cues and make an effort to respond with care and attention. This builds trust and emotional safety, laying the foundation for long-term intimacy. Small gestures of support, empathy, or simply checking in with each other can make a significant impact on the quality of your overall communication and connection.

• Tip: Check in with your partner regularly, asking them how they’re feeling or if there’s anything on their mind. It shows you’re emotionally present and attentive to their needs. Make it a habit to ask your partner simple but meaningful questions like, “How are you feeling today?” or “Is there anything that’s been on your mind lately?” These check-ins don’t have to be reserved for big conversations—they can happen in everyday moments, such as while having dinner or during a walk.

6. Counselling as a Pathway to Better Communication

Developing strong communication skills isn’t always easy, and sometimes outside guidance is needed to break old patterns and create healthier ones. This is where couples counselling can make a profound difference. As a Melbourne-based Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) practitioner, Zoltan Rajki specialises in helping couples build deeper emotional connections through effective communication techniques. Applying these tips become much easier with guidance and practice within sessions.

The EFT approach focuses on understanding the emotional dynamics within your relationship, helping you develop lasting communication skills that foster trust, love, and mutual respect. With Zoltan’s guidance, you can gain insights into your unique relationship patterns and learn how to communicate in ways that truly strengthen your bond.

Featured image by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash