What is Swinging? Trying Out Swinging in a Long-Term Relationship
Swinging, or consensually engaging in sexual activities with others as a couple, can add a new layer of excitement and intimacy to a relationship. For long-term monogamous couples, it can also provide a way to explore new dynamics and deepen emotional connection, potentially reigniting passion and fostering mutual growth. As Australian comedian Kitty Flanagan said, "Swinging is like golf—lots of holes, and most people are just hoping to improve their score!" However, it’s essential to carefully consider the emotional dimensions before taking this step. Here are some deeper insights from Melbourne Couples Counsellor Zoltan Rajki to consider when trying swinging with your partner for the first time.
What are the types of swinging?
Swinging arrangements can vary based on the preferences and comfort levels of each couple. In “soft swapping”, couples engage in sexual activities with others but stop short of penetration. It allows couples to explore physical intimacy without the emotional or physical intensity of what full penetration means to many people. In “full swapping”, partners may engage in penetrative sex with others.
As a general rule, swinging happens in one premises but people may choose to do “same room” or “separate room.” Discussing which acts feel comfortable and aligning on boundaries is crucial before engaging in any type of swapping, and you may find you need some more nuances than these options provide.
Understanding and Honouring Your Boundaries
Researchers de Visser R and McDonald D noted “the importance of discussion and negotiation to develop a shared couple identity and shared rules and boundaries that allowed them to manage jealousy so that they could better enjoy swinging” in their 2007 study, Swings and roundabouts: management of jealousy in heterosexual swinging couples.
Some boundaries to consider include physical limits—what types of sexual activity are you each comfortable with? Emotional boundaries are also important: Is it okay for your partner to engage in non-sexual activities (e.g., flirting, extended conversations) with others, or should this remain between you? Time boundaries can be valuable as well: Do you want to limit the amount of time spent with other people in swinging situations? For example, a couple might agree that any interaction outside of the bedroom is off-limits, or they might prefer to explore only certain types of sexual experiences. Explicitly defining boundaries ahead of time can prevent confusion and protect emotional security during and after the experience.
Balancing Excitement with Vulnerability
It’s natural for excitement and vulnerability to go hand-in-hand when trying something new. To recognise your vulnerabilities, pay attention to feelings of anxiety, insecurity, or fear of comparison. For example, you might feel uncertain about how your partner will react to seeing you with someone else.
To address these vulnerabilities, consider having a candid conversation where each person openly discusses their emotional concerns and fears. You can ask each other: “What worries you most about this experience?” or “What would make you feel safe and supported if these fears arise?” Establishing signals or safe words to check in with each other can also help in the moment, ensuring both partners feel emotionally secure.
Communicating the Expectations Beneath
Clear expectations can significantly influence how swinging affects your relationship. Consider discussing why you’re interested in swinging and what you each hope to get out of it. For example, one partner might view swinging as purely a sexual experience, while the other may see it as an opportunity to build emotional intimacy or explore deeper communication within the relationship. Expectations around frequency also matter—are you looking for a one-time experience or something more regular?
Another important consideration is how involved each partner should be in the decision-making process—do you want to choose swinging partners together, or is it okay for one person to take the lead? Having these conversations in advance can prevent any misunderstandings or disappointment.
Navigating Jealousy
Jealousy is a natural emotion that can arise even in the most secure relationships. The key is recognising jealousy as an opportunity for growth rather than a barrier. After the experience, take time to reflect on how you each felt—did jealousy show up? For example, you may have noticed a pang of envy when your partner seemed more physically engaged with someone else, or perhaps your partner felt left out during a certain moment.
Once identified, work through jealousy by focusing on open and non-judgmental communication. Each partner should have space to express their emotions without fear of criticism. You might say, “I felt insecure when you seemed very interested in someone else, but I’d like to talk about how we can both feel more balanced in those moments.” Once you delve into the experience, you will find your past and your self beliefs are driving the jealousy and you have a chance to work through those, know each other better and become stronger out the other side.
Reaffirming Trust
Trust can be maintained or even strengthened through reflective conversations after swinging. Debriefing provides an opportunity to align emotionally and reaffirm your bond. Topics for a debrief might include:
Emotional reflections: How did the experience make you feel overall? Were there any moments of discomfort or excitement?
Comfort levels: Did the boundaries you set beforehand hold up during the experience, or were there moments when they needed to be adjusted?
Connection with your partner: Did the experience enhance intimacy between the two of you? Did you feel emotionally supported by each other during and after? Regularly revisiting these questions can deepen your understanding of each other’s emotional needs and ensure that trust remains intact as you explore new dynamics.
Addressing Power Dynamics
It’s important to assess whether each partner feels equally comfortable with the decision to try swinging. For example, an enthusiastic partner may unintentionally exert pressure on the more hesitant one, which could create an imbalance. To keep the experience mutually satisfying, consider using reflective self-awareness exercises.
You could try doing a proper activity where each partner writes down their concerns, fears, and desires regarding swinging, then sharing these thoughts with each other. This ensures both partners are equally heard and that no one feels coerced or left out of the decision-making process.
Maintaining Secure Attachment While Exploring Beyond Monogamy
In Polysecure by Jessica Fern, the concept of attachment in non-monogamous relationships is explored, highlighting the importance of maintaining emotional security even when partners engage with others. A key takeaway is that attachment styles—whether secure, anxious, or avoidant—can impact how couples navigate swinging.
To maintain secure attachment, it's crucial to prioritise connection with your primary partner consistently during this time, ensuring they feel emotionally safe and valued throughout the experience. For example, consistent reassurance, making emotional check-ins at regular intervals, and shared rituals of connection can help reinforce the bond between partners, making it easier to explore new dynamics without destabilising the core relationship.
Getting Involved in Melbourne's Swinging Scene
Melbourne has a variety of discreet, welcoming communities where couples can explore swinging in a safe and respectful environment. To ease into the scene, you can join online communities that list events, meetups, and resources for couples new to swinging.
One popular platform to explore is Red Hot Pie www.redhotpie.com.au, an Australian-based website that provides information on local events and venues for swingers. It’s a good way to get started and learn more about the community in a low-pressure setting.
Use a Counsellor From the Start
Swinging can be a rewarding experience for couples in long-term relationships, but it requires careful thought, communication, and emotional reflection to navigate it successfully. If you and your partner are considering this step, Fitzroy North couples counsellor Zoltan Rajki can help guide you through the emotional complexities. His expertise in relationships can assist you in setting healthy boundaries from the very start, working through vulnerabilities, and maintaining trust, so you can embark on this journey with confidence and mutual understanding.
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