What Is Abuse? Recognising and Addressing Abuse in Relationships
Australia's National Research Organisation for Women's Safety defines that “Abuse is a pattern of behaviour used by one person to gain and maintain power and control over another person.”
Understanding abuse in relationships requires delving into its various forms and recognising the nuanced dynamics at play. This blog post from Melbourne couples counsellor Zoltan Rajki explores the complexities of abuse, drawing on key Australian literature - and provides examples to help you define whether you may be experiencing abuse.
1. Defining Abuse Beyond Physical Violence: emotional and psychological abuse
Abuse is often misconceived as solely physical violence. However, it encompasses a broader spectrum, including emotional, psychological, sexual, financial abuse and more.
The Australian Institute of Family Studies (AIFS) highlights that emotional and psychological abuse can be just as damaging as physical violence. This form of abuse involves manipulation, threats, humiliation, and control, often eroding the victim's sense of self-worth and autonomy over time.
Example: Constantly belittling a partner’s achievements, making them feel worthless, or threatening to withdraw love and support can constitute emotional abuse.
2. The Subtle Nature of Psychological Abuse: spotlight on gaslighting
Psychological abuse is insidious because it often goes unnoticed by those outside the relationship, and even by the victim themselves, until significant harm has occurred.
According to research by the Domestic Violence Resource Centre Victoria, psychological abuse often includes gaslighting—where the abuser manipulates the victim into doubting their own perceptions and sanity.
To consider: If you find yourself questioning your reality or feeling consistently guilty without clear cause, it may be a sign of psychological abuse.
3. Sexual Coercion as a Form of Abuse
Sexual abuse in relationships is not limited to physical assault; it also includes sexual coercion, where one partner pressures or manipulates the other into sexual activities against their will.
In Australia, consent must be freely given, informed, and reversible at any time. The Australian Human Rights Commission (AHRC) emphasises that any form of sexual activity without explicit consent is considered sexual abuse.
Example: A partner who guilts or pressures the other into sex, despite their clear reluctance or discomfort, is engaging in sexual coercion.
4. Financial Control and Economic Abuse
Financial abuse is a lesser-discussed yet prevalent form of control in relationships, where one partner restricts the other’s access to financial resources, thereby limiting their independence.
A study by Good Shepherd Australia New Zealand found that financial abuse often accompanies other forms of abuse, trapping the victim in the relationship due to financial dependency.
Examples of this might be when one partner:
Controls all the bank accounts and provides the other with a limited allowance
Prevents the victim from working, studying, or pursuing career opportunities
Closely monitors every expenditure, demanding receipts and explanations
Takes out loans, credit cards, or other financial agreements in the victim’s name
5. Use of Technology to Enable Abuse
Increasingly the use of technology to perpetrate abuse is becoming an issue. Research has found that one in two Australians have experienced at least one technology-facilitated abuse behaviour at some point in their life.
Examples provided by ANROWS (Australia's National Research Organisation for Women's Safety) include using technology to:
Monitor, stalk or control someone
Emotional abuse
Threats or harassment
Sexual or image-based abuse (often through ‘doxxing’)
Example: A partner's threats about the consequences of using social media in certain ways make the other person feel pressured to stop or conceal their online activity entirely.
6. Other Types of Abuse
Abuse in relationships can manifest in many forms beyond those typically recognised. Here are some other types of abuse to be aware of:
Social abuse: isolating victims from family, friends, and social networks to create dependency.
Coercive control: patterns of domination used to undermine the victim’s independence and maintain control. Includes isolation, degradation, exploitation, and frightening someone.
Neglect: the failure to provide essential care, support, or attention, which can be emotional, physical, or material, impacting the partner’s well-being.
Spiritual or Religious Abuse: when a partner manipulates the other’s religious beliefs or practices to exert control or justify abusive behaviour.
Reproductive Abuse: when one partner tries to control the other’s reproductive choices.
Legal Abuse: when an abuser uses legal systems or threats of legal action to control, intimidate, or harass.
7. How to Know if It’s Not Abuse
Understanding the distinction between abusive behaviour and other relationship challenges is essential. It’s always recommended to reach out to support services if you are unsure. Here is what’s expected in a healthy relationship:
Healthy Disagreements: Healthy conflicts involve both partners expressing their views respectfully and working towards a compromise without resorting to manipulation, control, or harm. For example, you and your partner occasionally argue but still listen to each other, validate each other's feelings, and find a resolution together.
Mutual Accountability: Both partners take responsibility for their actions and communicate openly about any issues. Occasional mistakes or lapses in judgement, followed by genuine apologies and efforts to improve, do not constitute abuse. For example, if one partner forgets an important date or says something hurtful in the heat of the moment but then sincerely apologises and works to make amends, this is more about human error than abusive intent.
Constructive Criticism vs. Demeaning Behaviour: Offering feedback with the intention of helping a partner grow is different from demeaning or belittling them. Constructive criticism is focused on behaviour, not the person, and is delivered in a way that is respectful and supportive. For example, suggesting ways to improve household organisation or discussing habits that might need adjustment, done respectfully and with the intention of mutual benefit.
Boundary Setting and Respect: If both partners respect each other's boundaries and are open to discussing them, this indicates mutual respect rather than abusive control. For example, if one partner expresses a need for personal space or time alone and the other respects this without anger or coercion, this shows a healthy relationship dynamic.
8. Knowing Whether to Seek Couples Counselling: Assessing Safety and Readiness
It's crucial to differentiate between situations where couples counselling can be beneficial and those where it might not be appropriate. If the relationship involves ongoing, severe abuse, especially physical violence, couples counselling may not be safe or effective. In such cases, individual support for the victim and legal protection should be prioritised.
The Australian Psychological Society (APS) advises that couples counselling is generally not recommended when there is an active threat of harm or if one partner is using the therapy to manipulate or further control the other.
Consider that:
If you or your partner feel unsafe, or if there is an imbalance of power that makes honest communication impossible, it might be better to seek individual counselling or contact support services like 1800RESPECT for immediate assistance before considering couples therapy.
Signs of manipulation or control around therapy may include feeling coerced into attending therapy, being told what to say, or feeling that your concerns will be dismissed by the counsellor. If your partner insists on attending sessions only with a counsellor they have selected, or if you fear retaliation for speaking honestly in therapy, these are red flags. In such cases, it may be wise to seek support or individual counselling first to ensure your voice is heard and your safety is prioritised.
Zoltan Rajki is a couples counsellor based in Fitzroy North in Melbourne.
Featured image by Kostiantyn Usatenko on Unsplash