Defining Limerence: An Emotional Rollercoaster Through an EFT Lens
Limerence, a term coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1979, captures an intense, obsessive state of romantic infatuation. It’s a phase where someone experiences intrusive thoughts about another person, becomes consumed by desire, and is often overwhelmed by fantasies of reciprocation. The experience is often seen as a heightened state of euphoria, mixed with anxiety, where every interaction with the object of affection seems highly significant.
While Tennov’s limerence is primarily recognised in popular psychology, emotionally focused therapy (EFT), developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, offers an alternative framework for understanding this experience. EFT emphasises attachment bonds and emotional responsiveness in relationships, providing a grounded way to explore what drives limerent experiences and their deeper emotional significance. Read this article from Fitzroy North Couples Counsellor Zoltan Rajki about how EFT can help, if you feel you are experiencing limerence.
What is Limerence?
Limerence often feels like a whirlwind of emotions—an emotional high when reciprocation is imagined or felt, followed by a deep low when uncertainty or rejection looms. People experiencing limerence may find it difficult to focus on other aspects of their life and may experience feelings of ecstasy or distress depending on how they perceive the other person’s actions.
Key characteristics include:
Obsessive thinking about the desired person, often at the expense of rational decision-making.
Emotional dependence on the other person’s approval, where their behaviour heavily influences the limerent’s mood.
Idealisation, where the object of affection is often placed on a pedestal, with flaws either unnoticed or dismissed.
EFT’s Take on Limerence: Attachment Cravings
Emotionally focused therapy views human relationships through the lens of attachment theory. From an EFT perspective, the intensity of limerence can be understood as a deep, primal response tied to attachment needs. Limerence may be triggered by unfulfilled or anxious attachment patterns developed early in life, where people seek validation, emotional safety, and connection.
Anxious Attachment and Limerence: Individuals with an anxious attachment style are often hyper-vigilant about rejection and constantly seek reassurance. For someone with anxious attachment, the highs of limerence may reflect a desperate need for emotional closeness and fear of abandonment. The lows, meanwhile, may reflect underlying attachment wounds, such as the anxiety that comes when reciprocation seems uncertain.
Avoidant Attachment and Limerence: On the other hand, those with avoidant attachment styles may find themselves caught in limerence because the emotional distance of the other person feels “safe.” The object of affection may remain emotionally unavailable, but the limerent individual finds comfort in the fact that they are not fully emotionally connected, allowing them to maintain their independence.
A Relational View: How EFT Helps Understand Limerence
Rather than simply viewing limerence as a passing phase or emotional obsession, EFT encourages people to explore the underlying emotional needs and attachment bonds that drive these feelings. Limerence could be seen as a reaction to unfulfilled emotional needs or a struggle to form a secure, lasting attachment bond.
Emotional Responsiveness: According to EFT, the longing experienced in limerence is a form of protest against unmet emotional needs. A person in the grip of limerence might be seeking attunement, validation, and emotional responsiveness, which they feel they cannot get elsewhere. EFT therapists help individuals recognise these emotional needs and reframe them within the context of secure relationships.
Secure Attachment as the Antidote: EFT encourages building secure attachments, where individuals feel safe, valued, and emotionally connected. For someone stuck in limerence, the therapeutic goal may be to identify where emotional security is lacking and work towards fulfilling those needs in a healthy, reciprocal relationship.
Limerence vs. Love: EFT’s View on Healthy Connection
Limerence, while intense and overwhelming, differs from mature, lasting love. EFT highlights the differences between the two, emphasising the importance of secure bonding in romantic relationships:
Limerence is often self-focused, where the emotional highs are more about the limerent’s needs, desires, and fantasies. In contrast, love—from an EFT perspective—is about connection, emotional safety, and mutual care.
In a secure relationship, partners can be emotionally vulnerable and turn towards each other to meet their needs. Limerence, however, often involves emotional risk, as one person may idealize the other while neglecting their own emotional well-being.
How to Manage Limerence with EFT Principles
For those experiencing limerence, EFT-based strategies can provide guidance:
Explore attachment needs: What are the core emotions beneath the surface? Are you seeking validation, reassurance, or connection that feels lacking in other relationships?
Reframe the obsession: Instead of focusing on the limerent object, turn attention inward. What unmet emotional needs are driving the obsessive thinking?
Develop secure bonds: EFT emphasises the importance of secure relationships. Building emotional safety and responsiveness in current relationships can help mitigate the highs and lows of limerence.
There is Hope: Limerence as an Invitation to Understand Emotional Needs
Limerence, while often all-consuming, offers a valuable opportunity to explore deeper emotional needs and attachment patterns. For those struggling with the highs and lows of limerence, working with a qualified couples counsellor like Zoltan Rajki can be instrumental in navigating these intense feelings.
Zoltan brings a deep understanding of emotionally focused therapy (EFT) to help individuals and couples explore the underlying attachment needs that drive limerence. By fostering a space for emotional exploration and healing, Zoltan assists clients in identifying and addressing unmet emotional needs, transforming unhealthy obsession into opportunities for growth.
Zoltan Rajki services can guide you in:
Exploring attachment patterns: He helps clients uncover emotional triggers that may be contributing to anxious or avoidant attachment styles, offering insight into how these patterns affect relationships and romantic desires.
Reframing obsessive thinking: With his support, you can shift your focus from the object of infatuation to understanding and healing the emotional vulnerabilities driving those intense feelings.
Building secure emotional bonds: Zoltan emphasizes the creation of secure, fulfilling relationships where emotional needs are met in healthy, reciprocal ways, allowing clients to move beyond the rollercoaster of limerence and find deeper emotional fulfillment.
Through compassionate counselling, Zoltan Rajki helps individuals transform limerent experiences into a pathway toward healthier attachment and lasting, meaningful connections in their relationships.
Contact Zoltan for a a couples counselling appointment today. Zoltan is a member of the Melbourne Community for Emotionally Focused Therapy.
Featured image by Skyler King on Unsplash