Are You Self-Sabotaging in Your Relationship?
When you're struggling in a relationship, it’s easy to feel frustrated and confused about why things aren’t working. You might be asking yourself, why do I ruin my relationships? Or wishing you knew how to stop pushing your partner away. Often, the answer lies in patterns of behaviour that, while well-intentioned, end up damaging the connection you're trying to build.
Self-sabotage in relationships isn't always obvious, but with some reflection, emotional awareness, and practical strategies, you can shift these patterns. This blog provides tips to help you stop sabotaging your relationship, with insights from Fitzroy North Couples Counsellor Zoltan Rajki.
The Roots of Self-Sabotage
If you’ve experienced inconsistent or unreliable emotional support in your early relationships, it can lead to an ingrained fear of rejection or abandonment in adulthood. These underlying fears may cause you to act in ways that push your partner away, even when you crave closeness.
Research indicates that fostering open communication about insecurities not only enhances trust but also encourages a more secure attachment between partners . This process can significantly reduce self-sabotaging behaviours and promote healthier dynamics in the relationship .
Recognising these patterns is the first step. When you feel the impulse to test or distance yourself from your partner, pause and question why you're reacting that way. Share these feelings with your partner instead of acting on them, allowing space for vulnerability and reassurance.
The Most Common Self-Sabotaging Behaviour: Pre-Emptive Withdrawal
Self-sabotage is often driven by a complex mix of fear, shame, and unprocessed emotions. A typical example is pre-emptive withdrawal. If you believe deep down that your partner will eventually leave or disappoint you, you might pull back first, emotionally or even physically, in an attempt to protect yourself. This can look like avoiding difficult conversations, downplaying your feelings, or simply shutting down when conflict arises.
Imagine a situation where a disagreement starts to escalate. Rather than staying engaged and working through the issue, you might find yourself saying, “It’s fine, I don’t care,” and walking away. This avoidance may temporarily shield you from emotional discomfort, but it prevents the emotional connection and resolution needed to maintain a healthy relationship.
Practice staying present, even when conversations become difficult. When you feel the urge to withdraw, take a deep breath and reframe the situation as a chance to work through the issue rather than avoid it. Try saying, "This is hard for me, but I want us to stay engaged and figure it out together."
Other Ways that Self-Sabotaging Might Show Up
You might start unnecessary arguments, ignore your partner’s texts, or flirt with others to see how your partner reacts. Tip: When you feel the urge to test your partner's commitment, stop and ask yourself, “What reassurance am I really seeking?” Rather than testing their loyalty through negative actions, directly ask for the reassurance you need.
You’re overly critical, correcting your partner’s actions in an attempt to control or protect yourself from potential hurt. Tip: Instead of criticising, practice expressing the underlying fear or need driving your correction. For example, instead of saying, "You never help me," try, "I feel overwhelmed and could use more support from you."
You constantly analyse every word or action from your partner, expecting disappointment, you’re laying the groundwork for unnecessary conflict. Tip: Ask yourself if there’s any concrete evidence that supports your negative assumption. If you're unsure, check in with your partner calmly and directly. You could say something like, “I’ve been feeling a bit anxious about what you said earlier—can we talk about it?” This prevents misunderstandings and fosters honest communication rather than unnecessary conflict.
Fear of Intimacy and Vulnerability
True intimacy requires showing up with your emotions fully, even when they’re messy or uncomfortable. For some, this level of openness feels threatening, as it carries the risk of being hurt or rejected. As a result, you might deflect conversations about your needs or feelings, instead focusing on surface-level issues or turning conflicts into a debate about trivial matters.
Consider the example of a partner asking for more emotional closeness or affection. Instead of addressing why this request feels challenging, you might shift the conversation to something unrelated like household chores or logistics, effectively keeping your deeper emotions hidden. Over time, this avoidance creates distance, leaving your partner feeling unheard or misunderstood.
Next time your partner expresses a need for closeness, instead of changing the subject, take a moment to acknowledge the discomfort. You can respond by saying something like, "I find it hard to be emotionally open sometimes, but I want to try." This simple admission opens the door for greater understanding and connection.
Uncovering the Fear Behind the Behaviour
At the heart of many self-sabotaging behaviours is a deep-rooted fear of being unworthy of love or acceptance. Even when a partner consistently shows care and support, it can be difficult to believe it’s genuine or lasting. This disbelief might lead you to reject kind gestures or respond with suspicion rather than gratitude.
An example of this is when a partner does something thoughtful, like planning a special evening, and your first reaction is scepticism: “Why are you doing this? What do you want from me?” This suspicion might stem from a belief that love is conditional or transactional, rooted in past experiences. By questioning their motives, you push your partner away, reinforcing a cycle of mistrust that may be completely unfounded.
When you notice yourself reacting with suspicion, stop and ask yourself, “Is there any evidence that my partner has ulterior motives?” If not, challenge yourself to respond with gratitude instead. Saying “Thank you, I appreciate this” can shift your mindset and strengthen your connection.
Breaking the Cycle of Self-Sabotage
The first step in breaking these patterns is recognising them. Ask yourself whether your actions are genuinely aligned with your goals for the relationship. Are you protecting yourself, or are you unknowingly driving a wedge between you and your partner?
Building emotional awareness and resilience can help break the self-sabotage cycle. Seeking therapy with an Emotionally-Focused Therapist like Zoltan Rajki can be immensely helpful in navigating these behaviours. A therapist can guide you through the emotional layers underpinning your actions and help you build healthier patterns of communication and connection. They can also help you develop practical tools for managing your emotions more effectively, allowing you to show up fully in your relationship without fear.
Featured image by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash