Navigating the Core of Childhood Trauma in Therapy: What Comes Next?

For many who embark on the emotionally focused therapy (EFT) journey, there is a pivotal moment when the layers of protective behaviours, rationalisations, and suppressed emotions finally peel back to reveal the raw heart of childhood trauma. It’s a moment of clarity and vulnerability, often accompanied by the question: "What now?"

For those with avoidant attachment, this moment may feel like an overwhelming intrusion on carefully guarded independence, leaving them unsure how to process the intensity. For those with anxious attachment, it might surface as a desperate need for reassurance, alongside a fear that their deepest wounds will still go unseen or unmet. For those with disorganised attachment, this reckoning with trauma can bring a confusing blend of longing for connection and a simultaneous fear of it, creating a temporary sense of emotional chaos. (Identify your attachment style at my blog here).

Understanding what happens after reaching this core is essential for making transformative progress in your relationships and your sense of self. Read more below from EFT practitioner Zoltan Rajki, who offers couples counselling in Melbourne.

Recognising Trauma's Patterns in Relationships

Childhood trauma often leaves behind patterns that silently shape adult relationships. For instance, a person who experienced emotional neglect may struggle with voicing their needs, fearing rejection. During therapy, reaching the root of this behaviour—a moment from their childhood when expressing their needs was dismissed or punished—can feel like unravelling a deeply knotted thread.

The next step involves recognising how this trauma-driven pattern plays out in the current relationship. Perhaps this person avoids conflict, leading their partner to interpret their silence as disinterest. EFT helps people reframe these interactions, allowing them to see that their partner’s frustration stems from miscommunication, not rejection. This shift in perspective lays the groundwork for healthier emotional exchanges.

Reconnecting with the Authentic Self

Once the trauma is named and felt, EFT guides individuals to reconnect with the parts of themselves that were hidden or rejected. Consider the example of a person who grew up in a household that valued achievement over emotional expression. They may have learnt to suppress vulnerability, adopting an image of stoic competence.

Therapy can involve reintroducing someone to the softer, more vulnerable parts of themself. This isn’t about becoming someone new but reclaiming the parts of yourself that were abandoned. You might practise opening up to your partner about small fears or uncertainties, experiencing their support and seeing vulnerability as a bridge, not a burden.

Repairing Emotional Bonds

Childhood trauma doesn’t just affect the self; it reverberates through relationships. EFT places significant emphasis on healing these relational wounds. For example, someone whose early caregivers were unpredictable may unconsciously expect their partner to behave similarly, reacting to minor issues with disproportionate fear or anger.

In therapy, both partners are guided to understand these reactions not as personal attacks but as echoes of past pain. Through structured conversations, they practise new ways of engaging. A partner might learn to respond with reassurance rather than defensiveness when faced with anxiety, helping to create a bond that feels safe and nurturing.

Cultivating Self-Compassion

One of the most challenging aspects of addressing childhood trauma is countering the inner critic. This voice, often rooted in early experiences, may dismiss progress as insufficient or label vulnerability as weakness. EFT helps individuals develop a compassionate inner dialogue, one that acknowledges the pain without being defined by it.

Take the case of someone who internalised blame for her parents’ divorce. As we revisit this belief in therapy, people can learn to speak to themselves with kindness: “I was a child, and it wasn’t my responsibility to fix things.” Practising this self-compassion allows you to step out of the shadows of your past, embracing your worthiness in the present.

Building a Future Beyond Trauma with Earned Secure Attachment

Healing childhood trauma doesn’t mean forgetting it; it means integrating it into a narrative of resilience and growth. Herein lies the possibility of cultivating what psychologists call "earned secure attachment." This state arises when someone, through therapy and personal growth, develops the capacity to approach relationships with trust, emotional balance, and authenticity—even if their early experiences didn’t naturally foster these qualities.

For many, this starts with learning to pause before reacting.

• A person who once defaulted to stonewalling during conflict might now recognise the urge to withdraw and instead take a moment to communicate: “I need a little time to process before we continue this conversation.”

• Or, someone with a history of anxious attachment, might feel the old tug of panic when their partner is busy or distracted. Instead of spiralling, they practise grounding techniques—like deep breathing or reminding themselves of their partner’s past consistency—before expressing their needs calmly.

• Someone with disorganised attachment might feel conflicting urges to push their partner away and cling to them during moments of stress. In therapy, they learn to name this ambivalence without shame, exploring it as a natural part of the healing process.

Those moving toward earned secure attachment often begin to approach relationships with curiosity rather than fear. Over time, this self-awareness allows them to stay open to connection, even when it feels vulnerable. 

How an EFT Therapist Can Help

The process of addressing the core of childhood trauma within the structure of emotionally focused therapy is both profound and liberating. While the journey is not without its challenges, it offers the chance to rewrite the narratives that have shaped your relationships and your sense of self. With courage, patience, and the support of a skilled therapist such as Zoltan Rajki, you can move from a place of pain to one of deep connection—both with yourself and with others.

Featured image by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash